A New Dawn: Embracing Change and Rediscovering Self in Life's Next Chapter

Twenty-six years ago, I left my small Colorado town, burdened by its soaring cost of living, and moved to Kansas. The desire to reconnect with my family, especially my grandparents within a hundred-mile radius, was strong. Growing up, their presence and the comforting small-town atmosphere were my solace.

Colorado Baca County Sunset 2023

After high school, amidst personal struggles and pivotal decisions, including a tough choice about a pregnancy, I yearned for family support. So, I relocated to Satanta, Kansas, to live with my paternal grandparents, seeking a fresh start.

In this period of change, I met Brant. Our first encounter during the Satanta Days parade was memorable; he was the one who rode the Ferris wheel with me, spending the entire weekend by my side. We bonded over these shared moments, leading to years of dating as I worked at a feed yard and then as a filing assistant at a friend's irrigation company.

Our relationship progressed, and we married in December 1996, around the time Brant graduated college. Discovering I was pregnant with our eldest son brought back haunting memories of my earlier decision, but this time, I chose differently. We embraced parenthood together despite the challenges it brought.

Life in Johnson, Kansas, was a shift from my independent ways. I had been self-reliant since 17, but marriage introduced new dynamics, with familial opinions and expectations weighing heavily on me. Despite this, Brant and I shared a strong bond; he was not just my husband but my best friend. However, our relationship faced its trials, including some struggles with addictions, mental health, and our differing approaches to family and work.

As years passed, we faced the loss of Brant's mother and navigated the complexities of marriage and family life. Decision-making, especially regarding our farm and finances, often felt like a solo journey. Despite my efforts and contributions, I grappled with feelings of inadequacy and unrecognition.

Our three sons grew into men, each carving their path, yet familial tensions persisted. The struggles within our family, amplified by the broader societal stress and the aftermath of COVID-19, weighed heavily on me.

Reflecting on these 26 years, I ponder the choices and sacrifices made, the dreams fostered and unfulfilled, and the relentless pursuit of a harmonious family life. As I navigate this journey, I'm left questioning my role, my decisions, and the future. Despite the challenges and heartaches, my love for my family remains, driving me to seek a new beginning amidst the complexities of life.

Despite the love and effort I invested, the feeling of being an outsider in my own life persisted. The familial expectations, the overwhelming responsibilities of farm work, and the emotional toll of motherhood often left me feeling isolated and unappreciated. My attempts to balance the demands of family life with my personal needs often seemed futile.

As time passed, the relationship with Brant evolved, but not always smoothly. The once-strong bond we shared faced trials of distance and misunderstanding. Major decisions, like farm operations and financial choices, often heightened the strain between us. The stress of managing a large farm, coupled with personal grievances and unresolved issues, cast a shadow over our marriage.

In the midst of these challenges, I often reminisced about the simpler times at my grandparents' home. Their unconditional love and the warmth of family gatherings provided a stark contrast to the complexities of my current life. Their passing left a void, and I struggled to recreate that sense of belonging and contentment within my own family.

Navigating through these turbulent years, I've often questioned my choices and the path I've walked. The struggles with Brant, the disconnection with my children, and the constant juggling of responsibilities made me wonder about the possibilities of a different life, one where my needs and aspirations weren't overshadowed by the demands of farm life and familial expectations.

South of my Home Johnson Kansas

As I stand amidst the fields, reflecting on the past and contemplating the future, I'm faced with a profound sense of introspection. What does it mean to be a wife, a mother, and an individual in this ever-changing landscape? How do I reconcile my dreams with reality, and how do I find peace in the midst of ongoing challenges?

The journey has been long, filled with love, pain, growth, and sacrifice. As I look ahead, I realize the importance of finding my voice and carving a space where my presence is valued, not just as a wife and a mother but as a woman with her own dreams and aspirations. The path forward may be uncertain, but it's a journey I'm ready to embrace, seeking a balance between giving to others and nurturing my own spirit.

This realization brings a new dawn, a moment of awakening. I acknowledge the strength within me, honed by years of resilience. The challenges I've faced, while daunting, have also been a testament to my endurance and capacity to love deeply. Yet, this strength also reminds me of the importance of setting boundaries and caring for my own well-being.

In contemplating the future, I recognize the need for change. The desire for a life where my contributions are acknowledged, and my identity is not solely tied to my roles as a wife and mother grows stronger. The longing for a space where I can breathe, think, and be myself becomes a guiding light.

The landscape of my life, much like the fields I gaze upon, is ever-evolving. The green wheat and budding weeds symbolize new beginnings and growth amidst challenges. I find a parallel between nature's resilience and my own journey. There's a realization that letting go of what no longer serves me is not just a loss, but an opportunity for growth and renewal.

As I navigate this new chapter, the memories of my grandparents offer a beacon of hope and wisdom. Their love and the simple joys of life they cherished serve as a reminder of what truly matters. Their voices, echoing with pride and affection, inspire me to rediscover and reclaim my sense of self.

In this pursuit, I also recognize the complexities of family dynamics and the intricate web of relationships that define us. Rebuilding connections with my children, fostering understanding, and nurturing a healthy family environment become priorities, not just for their sake but for my own fulfillment.

This journey is not just about finding happiness; it's about redefining it on my terms. It's about learning to balance the multitude of roles I play with the person I am at my core. It's about embracing the unknown with courage and an open heart.

As I stand amidst the fields, the horizon stretching before me, I am reminded that life is a continuous cycle of seasons. Each season brings challenges and triumphs but also opportunities for growth and transformation. In this cycle, I find the strength to keep moving forward, to write a new chapter in my story, one where I am not just a character in someone else's narrative but the author of my own.